Keep on Moving On

My mother told me she doesn’t want to be around me because I remind her of her failures she is 43 living in her mommy’s garage. Has never paid her own bills, nor had a job long enough to do so. My father, who knows. Last I heard he is suicidal, got divorced again and has a warrant out for his arrest. My moms husband abused me my whole life, and has manipulated himself back into my Grandmas home. Hasn’t lived in the same place for more than 6 months in the last 4 years. Hasn’t kept a job in that time either.

I am not sharing this for sympathy. I don’t need sympathy. I share this as a preface to how I got where I am. I am 20. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years with our two cats. We both have full time jobs. I bought my first car last year. I pay all of my bills on time with no help. My cats are fed and spoiled. I do this without an example. With no safety net. Failure is not an option. My distant family all assumed I’d end up like my Mother. Addicted to drugs. Using people and living off of others. I have made myself successful with no help from my parents. I have seen some shit. I’ve learned from it. I also learn each day the extent of brainwashing I was put through. I freak out over small things like Jwalking because that is illegal. (But there’s a time and a place). I catch myself doing little things like this all the time. I’ve been out of the environment for 3 years. And I’m still healing. I have a lot of work to do, but damn I’ve come a long way.

I had to cut off my parents to be successful. People don’t understand how or why I would do that. But when people don’t have your best interest at heart ever, and use you, guilt trip, and abandon you. You have to choose you. Somebody has to.

It is harder some days than others. When I’m down and think how will I be loved and successful when the people who brought me into this world don’t want me and don’t think I’m good enough. At the end of they day they don’t matter. I got here alone. And I will reach my goals regardless. I am strong. I have been doing it this long, and I will keep pushing on. There’s people who have gone through worse and became so successful on their own. It is possible, just not easy. But life isn’t easy, never has been. I got this.

Realization

Sometimes you get lost in living your life. You forget about what you’ve overcome. What has gotten you to this point. You lose sight of the bigger picture. I think this happens to everyone.

Not always is this realization positive. Sometimes it’s when bad things happen. When you realize you can’t trust anyone 100%. That no one is really “always” there for you. You only have yourself at the end of the day. You can have the best support group but even they get busy and caught up in life, after all they are human too.

It really sucks when the 1 person you trust completely reminds you, that you can’t do that. And when the person you have for support isn’t able to support you. It’s really lonely. It’s sort of nice to remember you are the only one capable of really taking care of yourself. But also hard. It hurts sometimes. Just because you can be there for others while dealing with your own stuff doesn’t mean everyone is capable of that.

I don’t have the best advice on how to overcome this. I just push on. One day at a time. You are the only one in this world that truly has your back. No one can love you like you can. It’s sad, but also something to be proud of. You’ve been the one to get you through everything you’ve over come. You got this.

Cutting off toxic

Evaluating the toxic sources in your life is hard but important. When people are constantly lying to you, using you, betraying your trust and kindness it’s time to cut ties. The real struggle is when they are family.

I cut off the most toxic abusive person in my life about three years ago. Since then my life has improved tremendously. I allowed the enabler to stay for many reasons. The first being they are the decision maker on whether or not I get to be with my sibling. The second is the emotional connection and want to have a relationship with them.

Unfortunately that person has stuck to their pattern of lying and betrayal. This person has not learned from their mistakes. In my opinion one huge choice that has had the most negative affect on my whole life was this person thinking I NEEDED a father figure no matter what. This was wrong and proven so, again and again. It led to my abuse, neglect, and more severe abuse. Now with all the information this person has made the same choice. We will call the enabler Sue. We will call the abuser bob.

Sue thinks having a relationship (“friendship”) with the abusive, narcissistic, pedophile bob is worth losing her kid over. She thinks the sibling needs their dad. Regardless of past mistakes (that keep repeating like a broken record). Sue is making the same mistake she made 17 years ago. She knows and has seen what it has done to her first kid but thinks it will be different this time.

Let us all take a moment for sues insanity. As we all know The definition of insanity is, expecting different results from the same actions. So I had to make the call to cut off sue. I have given sue so many chances. She has all the information to make a educated choice and she chooses bob. She said I need to forgive him. She says her life and decisions should not affect me. Except she makes them. I was supposed to spend time with my sibling but she no call no showed, lied three times even after I called her out. She made it affect me when I couldn’t go to my family’s for 3 hours because she wanted to feed my abuser the breakfast we were going over to eat. I have moved on. I made the tough choice to end my relationship with sue. And as much as it hurts it will be for the best. So rip to that relationship, but we’re only going to get stronger from this.

Day to Day

I wouldn’t say I have the best coping skills. But there’s few things that can pull me out of my head, and make being a functioning human possible. One of those things is marijuana.

Over the past few years I’ve been a daily Marijuana smoker. It helps with so many issues in my life. Some issues are I won’t be hungry for months, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, and other related issues. Marijuana helps all those and more.

I have been put on SSRI medications. They never helped, but always had some negative effect. I stopped taking them. Then at the start of the year I also stopped smoking. That brought a whole new level of anxiety and depression. For days I was suffering. So I decided to start the SSRI again. And oh my goodness that was a horrible mistake.

I did some research and found a scholarly article where it talked about the effects of SSRIs on patients with anxiety. In the group of rats with anxiety and ptsd, when they took SSRI they induced anxiety and panic attacks. Scientists don’t know how to block that effect.

I did not notice the severity of that side affect because I had weed. With out it I had one of the worst panic attacks in public, that I have ever experienced. I was at work and had to push through my 8 hour day with anxiety the whole time. But I made it. From this experience I learned a few things.

  • I will make it
  • It will end
  • Weed is a magic drug
  • Pills cause more harm than good

I still don’t understand why doctors put patients with anxiety on SSRI when it is common knowledge it can induce anxiety. Seems very redundant to me. But now I have made the choice to seek out CBD. I want to go through my day as a “normal” human but without being “stoned”. Hopefully this will be a new milestone in my journey to being a better me!

Confronting Loved Ones

Living with baggage is hard enough alone. When you are fortunate enough to have people in your life that care about you, your baggage can affect them one way or another. Whether it’s seeing you hurt and trying to deal with your problems and struggling, or if it’s unintentional collateral damage, it seems everyone in my life is also somewhat affected.

Over the past few years I have had to go into detail about some of the traumatizing events I’ve endured. I’ve talked to therapists, police, the love of my life (that’s a hard one). But most recently I’ve been struggling telling a family member. I don’t want to say who it is but I’m sure you can connect the dots. But I’ve need to tell this person what happened for the last 3 years. I haven’t for many reasons, fear of not being believed, anxiety of going back though those events again. Being looked at differently because I wanted to be stronger than I was, stronger than I am.

I was always trying to find a “good time” to tell them. But there will never be a “good time” to talk about a traumatic event. Finally when we were in a neutral space, and I felt like they would really hear me, I finally broke down and did it. I talked about what happened, how it affected me, how their choices affected me, and how it still hurts me. Man it was hard! But it was necessary!

When I say hard, I mean it. It wasn’t any kind of dinner table talk. This was ugly crying, trembling, stuttering etc. But they cried too. They didn’t know what to say, or how to respond, which is how any normal person responds to that kind of information. Sometimes you have to do something completely different and outside your comfort zone, to make a real change in your life.

I hope getting that done not only helps me heal, but finally start to move on! I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same head space since I got out of the situation. Between nightmares, flashbacks, and my abuser constantly interfering with my ability to see my family when I want, the wounds never even get to scab, let alone scar. It is hard to move on and grow when the same shit is still happening. Now, I think that the needed information is out, I will not deal with that anymore.

I hope anyone struggling with trauma reading this finds something useful. Confrontation is sooo hard especially if you struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. It’s even more difficult to confront someone who enabled your abuse. Confronting them in a healthy way can really help the healing process. Also don’t rush yourself. Yes this talk is over due, because it’s taken me 3 years to gain the courage and confidence to finally say ” Hey! This happened to me, this hurt me, this is why I am how I am. And your choices in this situation knowingly or not hurt me”. Now it’s finally out of the way and I have one less thing to worry about.

Getting On The Right Track

In the spirit of the new year I have started journaling. I write down everything from what I did, how I felt, too when I showered and scooped the cat box.

In doing this, I have been filling the back of the page with

things that I either like, am great full for, or things that make me happy. I do this before bed, and I go back through the week and look at all the things I am thankful for. My goal is to go to bed with a full heart and a happy mindset, so tomorrow will be a better day!

Deep Breaths

Sitting here with anxiety.

Taking the deepest breaths I can so I can to try to keep the tears from falling. One escapes. Another follows. I sit locked in the bathroom rocking back and forth to try to comfort myself. More tears fall.

I forgot to keep taking deep breaths.

I can’t find something to focus on. Other than the overwhelming feeling and blurry lines caused by the overflow of liquid from my eyes. Again I try to hold them back but they fall.

I wonder if crying will make it stop, but I know better. Once it starts it will get worse before it gets better. I just want it to get better. Not worse.

Keep breathing.

Still rocking. “What ifs” flash through my mind. What if they cancel. What if they leave. They don’t like me. Do they care?

Keep deep breathing.

Why do I hold my breath when I stop focusing on it. I know it will pass. I just have to get through now. But when it passes it comes back. Like the tide coming in further and further.

Deep breaths send a almost electric surge through my body. Most noticeable in my arms.
I’ve been rocking with my elbows on my legs for so long my leg is asleep. But I need to keep rocking. It’s the only soothing thing I have right now. Shaking. Breathing.


I finally see straight. Tears have faded for now.
I keep taking deep breaths.
I want to smoke but I feel weak that a substance can control my emotions more that I can.

Keep breathing.

My head starts to pulse as this is the 4th consecutive day of anxiety and panic attacks. I used to be so strong. I could snap my fingers and wipe the negative emotions away. But here I sit. Alone. In my bathroom rocking myself shaking, fighting the tears again waiting for this feeling to subside.

All I can do is just keep breathing.