Day to Day

I wouldn’t say I have the best coping skills. But there’s few things that can pull me out of my head, and make being a functioning human possible. One of those things is marijuana.

Over the past few years I’ve been a daily Marijuana smoker. It helps with so many issues in my life. Some issues are I won’t be hungry for months, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, and other related issues. Marijuana helps all those and more.

I have been put on SSRI medications. They never helped, but always had some negative effect. I stopped taking them. Then at the start of the year I also stopped smoking. That brought a whole new level of anxiety and depression. For days I was suffering. So I decided to start the SSRI again. And oh my goodness that was a horrible mistake.

I did some research and found a scholarly article where it talked about the effects of SSRIs on patients with anxiety. In the group of rats with anxiety and ptsd, when they took SSRI they induced anxiety and panic attacks. Scientists don’t know how to block that effect.

I did not notice the severity of that side affect because I had weed. With out it I had one of the worst panic attacks in public, that I have ever experienced. I was at work and had to push through my 8 hour day with anxiety the whole time. But I made it. From this experience I learned a few things.

  • I will make it
  • It will end
  • Weed is a magic drug
  • Pills cause more harm than good

I still don’t understand why doctors put patients with anxiety on SSRI when it is common knowledge it can induce anxiety. Seems very redundant to me. But now I have made the choice to seek out CBD. I want to go through my day as a “normal” human but without being “stoned”. Hopefully this will be a new milestone in my journey to being a better me!

Confronting Loved Ones

Living with baggage is hard enough alone. When you are fortunate enough to have people in your life that care about you, your baggage can affect them one way or another. Whether it’s seeing you hurt and trying to deal with your problems and struggling, or if it’s unintentional collateral damage, it seems everyone in my life is also somewhat affected.

Over the past few years I have had to go into detail about some of the traumatizing events I’ve endured. I’ve talked to therapists, police, the love of my life (that’s a hard one). But most recently I’ve been struggling telling a family member. I don’t want to say who it is but I’m sure you can connect the dots. But I’ve need to tell this person what happened for the last 3 years. I haven’t for many reasons, fear of not being believed, anxiety of going back though those events again. Being looked at differently because I wanted to be stronger than I was, stronger than I am.

I was always trying to find a “good time” to tell them. But there will never be a “good time” to talk about a traumatic event. Finally when we were in a neutral space, and I felt like they would really hear me, I finally broke down and did it. I talked about what happened, how it affected me, how their choices affected me, and how it still hurts me. Man it was hard! But it was necessary!

When I say hard, I mean it. It wasn’t any kind of dinner table talk. This was ugly crying, trembling, stuttering etc. But they cried too. They didn’t know what to say, or how to respond, which is how any normal person responds to that kind of information. Sometimes you have to do something completely different and outside your comfort zone, to make a real change in your life.

I hope getting that done not only helps me heal, but finally start to move on! I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same head space since I got out of the situation. Between nightmares, flashbacks, and my abuser constantly interfering with my ability to see my family when I want, the wounds never even get to scab, let alone scar. It is hard to move on and grow when the same shit is still happening. Now, I think that the needed information is out, I will not deal with that anymore.

I hope anyone struggling with trauma reading this finds something useful. Confrontation is sooo hard especially if you struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. It’s even more difficult to confront someone who enabled your abuse. Confronting them in a healthy way can really help the healing process. Also don’t rush yourself. Yes this talk is over due, because it’s taken me 3 years to gain the courage and confidence to finally say ” Hey! This happened to me, this hurt me, this is why I am how I am. And your choices in this situation knowingly or not hurt me”. Now it’s finally out of the way and I have one less thing to worry about.

Getting On The Right Track

In the spirit of the new year I have started journaling. I write down everything from what I did, how I felt, too when I showered and scooped the cat box.

In doing this, I have been filling the back of the page with

things that I either like, am great full for, or things that make me happy. I do this before bed, and I go back through the week and look at all the things I am thankful for. My goal is to go to bed with a full heart and a happy mindset, so tomorrow will be a better day!

Deep Breaths

Sitting here with anxiety.

Taking the deepest breaths I can so I can to try to keep the tears from falling. One escapes. Another follows. I sit locked in the bathroom rocking back and forth to try to comfort myself. More tears fall.

I forgot to keep taking deep breaths.

I can’t find something to focus on. Other than the overwhelming feeling and blurry lines caused by the overflow of liquid from my eyes. Again I try to hold them back but they fall.

I wonder if crying will make it stop, but I know better. Once it starts it will get worse before it gets better. I just want it to get better. Not worse.

Keep breathing.

Still rocking. “What ifs” flash through my mind. What if they cancel. What if they leave. They don’t like me. Do they care?

Keep deep breathing.

Why do I hold my breath when I stop focusing on it. I know it will pass. I just have to get through now. But when it passes it comes back. Like the tide coming in further and further.

Deep breaths send a almost electric surge through my body. Most noticeable in my arms.
I’ve been rocking with my elbows on my legs for so long my leg is asleep. But I need to keep rocking. It’s the only soothing thing I have right now. Shaking. Breathing.

I finally see straight. Tears have faded for now.
I keep taking deep breaths.
I want to smoke but I feel weak that a substance can control my emotions more that I can.

Keep breathing.

My head starts to pulse as this is the 4th consecutive day of anxiety and panic attacks. I used to be so strong. I could snap my fingers and wipe the negative emotions away. But here I sit. Alone. In my bathroom rocking myself shaking, fighting the tears again waiting for this feeling to subside.

All I can do is just keep breathing.